Leaders: How to Deal with Control Freaks

Posted on May 15, 2013 by Aditi Chopra

Control Freak

Haven’t we all come across control freaks in our lives at one time or another?

If you say that you haven’t, then I would be quite surprised! They seem to be anywhere people gather and they are very tenuous to deal with.

Dealing With Control Freaks

The bad news is that you can find such people in any walk of life, but the good news is that there is a way to deal with them. You just need to be patient with such people and you can’t expect to treat them just like others because it simply will not work.

Although they are very trying to be around, you definitely cannot let them frustrate you because when you do this you are giving them more power that way. You could certainly refuse to deal with them, but you might be forced in a situation at work or some other place where you will have no choice but to deal with a control freak.

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Understanding the Control Freak

con·trol freak [ kən trṓl freek ]

  1. Slang. n. a person whose behavior indicates a powerful need to control people or circumstances in everyday matters.

The very first thing to know about a control freak is that he is somewhere insecure himself which makes him behave in a controlling manner.

  • They are probably not sure of their ability to work with people or lead them and therefore they chose to control them.
  • They haven’t developed the right leadership skills and controlling is the only way they know.
  • They may even feel threatened by you and by trying to control you they feel a sense of false power.

The other obvious thing to note is that control freaks are completely unaware of the fact that they are being perceived as control freaks. These people sometime wonder why they are not so popular.

The answer is obvious to us but not to them.

When you know and accept these two facts about control freaks, it immediately gives you power over them. Some people may mistakenly perceive them as bossy, type A personalities and fail to see their weakness.

If you are able to see their insecurities, you can deal with them very easily.

Leading the Control Freak

If you have the time and inclination to coach these personalities into becoming able leaders, you should attempt to do so.

I have to say, it is not going to be easy.

First you will have to make them realize their weakness because they are not even aware and then help them overcome it.

Both of these processes could take years because they will have to first unlearn their current ways of dealing with people and then develop more healthy ways of leading.

Control Freak

If you are not inclined to be a coach to these people or you don’t have the time to devote neither you are in a position to coach them, then you will have to have a different strategy to deal with them.

  • One option is to work with their supervisors to keep their behavior in check. This is only possible if you work with them in a well-defined organizational setup.
  • If you work in a cross-functional organization or let’s say a volunteer organization where there is no hierarchy, then the strategy would have to be different. In such cases, try and appeal to their goals and aspirations.
  • If they have some goal that you can help them with, they will see you as a collaborator and will not get threatened by you. As soon as they see that they have something to gain from you, their behavior will soften automatically.

So, are you now or have you been in the past the victim of a control freak? How did it make you feel? How did you deal with it. Or perhaps, do you see some of these symptoms in your own behavior? If so, what steps can you take to play nicer in the sandbox with others? And how could this increase your level of influence? I would love to hear your thoughts?

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Aditi Chopra
Aditi Chopra is an experienced leader in the software industry
She is a consultant, writer and a leader
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How to Manage Conflicts the Emotionally Intelligent Way

Posted on March 7, 2013 by Aditi Chopra

Throwing Chairs

Conflicts are present in our lives no matter whether we are at work or home or in a volunteer position.

Managing conflicts can be a stressful experience for all parties involved.

Dealing With Conflict

Sometimes we create conflicts by our own actions and at other times, it comes our way by no doing of our own.

Irrespective of how it came about, we ought to have the skills to deal with it.

There is a spectrum of people on how they view conflicts. On one extreme is someone who avoids conflict at any cost and on the other extreme is a person who invites conflict. A lot of us are in the middle of this broad spectrum. I would say that neither of the extremes is good.

  • One should not avoid conflicts because if you throw things under the rug, there will come a point where you will trip over the rug yourself.
  • On the other extreme, you have people throwing (virtual) chairs at others by inviting conflict with people around them. And of course, this is certainly not the way to live in a social world.

Where ever we happen to be on this spectrum, we ought to know how to come out of a conflicting situation in a win-win manner.

Emotional Intelligence Steps

If you happen to have created the conflicting situation yourself, it should be easy for you to fix it. Keep your ego aside and make amends with the person with whom you have created the situation.

However, it is not that straightforward of a case when someone else creates a conflicting situation for you. In that case, you need to follow a certain process to deal with the entire situation.

  • First of all, try to get a hold on your emotions. When someone springs a conflict on you, usually, your emotions of anger will run high. They will most probably manifest in a physical way. Getting a hold on your emotions during the first few hours and not reacting is the key to handling it intelligently. I once got a great advice from my mentor – he told me to write an email to the person who had created a conflicting situation with me but save it as draft only. He told me to sit on it for twenty-four hours and then re-read my email. If you follow this advice, you will invariably find yourself changing the wordings of the email. I actually practiced this approach for first few times; after a few iterations, I got to a stage where I didn’t have to even pen down my emotions on a drafted email. I could work on it in my head but the point is to not take action until your emotions have subsided.
  • When your emotions have cooled down, you will be able to think rationally and put yourself in the shoes of the other person to understand why they acted in the way they did. Try and find out what exactly did you dislike about their behavior.
    • Is it what they said?
    • Is it the manner in which they said it?
    • Are they under some pressure to act in the way they did?
    • What really is the cause of your concern?
  • When you understand the cause of concern, have that important conversation with them in a heartfelt way. Show them that you understand where they are coming from and genuinely make them understand what you disliked about their behavior. When you speak from your heart, you will certainly succeed in reaching out to the other person and resolving the conflict.

So what type of person are you when it comes to handling conflicts at work? Are you more likely to throw it under a rug, or are you more likely to throw a chair? What steps can you take to moderate your tendencies to better handle conflict with emotional intelligence? I would love to hear your thoughts!

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Aditi Chopra
Aditi Chopra is an experienced leader in the software industry
She is a consultant, writer and a leader
Email | LinkedIn |  Web | Blog | Twitter | Book

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Hey Leader: What’s Your Resolution?

Posted on December 26, 2012 by Aditi Chopra

Resolution

It is time to welcome yet another year into our lives. We all invariably spend the month of December reflecting on the events of the current year and have hopes for the upcoming year.

It is time to reflect on and celebrate your achievements for the past year and realize how far you have come.

Gaining Perspective

It is also time to leave behind what didn’t work and start afresh. The experience of each year instills more wisdom into our minds and that is definitely something to celebrate.

Each year comes with its own set of surprises, joys and sorrows and we welcome them with open arms. I remember a while back I had a hard time accepting events as they were.

With passing time, I have learned to be more tolerant of unexpected events.

I realized that if you fight them, it’s going to be harder so why not just go with the flow. Letting go and living each moment certainly brings more ease into your lives.

Leading Yourself

As leaders, I believe it is worth our time to sit down and reflect over our lives and genuinely think of a resolution for the upcoming year.

And I don’t mean a resolution that you think of in a second and forget the next.

Think of something that you would like to work on and how would you go about pursuing it. Hold yourself accountable for it and be proactive in your approach. Such that, at the end of next year, you could reflect on how well you did.

A resolution may or may not be personal; it could be for the betterment of society, friends or family. In the end, working on your resolution should make you happy.

Tiers of Leadership

If we take a look at different tiers of leadership, at the bottom tier is personal leadership. It is when you are disciplined in your approach towards life, you achieve what you set out to do and you can be an example for others to follow.

From there on, leaders transform to become visionaries or strategist and continue to hone in on their skills. Some leaders are marvelous influencers.

To me, the highest form of leadership is when you can develop others into better leaders.

It is then that you give back by making others realize their full potential. Those who have helped others become better leaders get a divine satisfaction. It is not something that can be expressed in words; it is something to be experienced.

It really depends on which phase of life you are at and which paths have you carved out for yourself. However, I would certainly urge everyone to take some time to think of a New Year resolution and follow through on it.

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Aditi Chopra
Aditi Chopra is an experienced leader in the software industry
She is a consultant, writer and a leader
Email | LinkedIn |  Web | Blog | Twitter | Book

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On Leadership and Expressing Gratitude

Posted on November 4, 2012 by Aditi Chopra

Thanks

With Thanksgiving around the corner, I thought about how often do we express our gratitude to people around us?

I find that most of the times, we take people for granted especially if we know a person for some time whether it is in our personal life or professional life. We start expecting a certain behavior from these people that we rely upon but we forget to express our thanks to them.

Appreciating people is a good way to maintain a healthy relationship.

Expressing Gratitude

Expressing your gratitude is a very crucial skill that a leader needs to have and should not neglect in any circumstance. Gratitude can be expressed in various ways, the more creative it gets, and the better it is received and remembered.

Put yourself in their shoes and think how you will feel to be thanked.

Needless to say, it needs to be heartfelt and one cannot be robotic about it. Not only it matters that you thank someone but also in the manner you do it makes a difference too. If you do it too often, it loses its significance. You don’t want to be on the other end of the spectrum either.

So, Who Gets It?

Who should you express gratitude towards?

  • You close friends and family members who often are taken for granted.
  • Your co-workers and supervisor. Even supervisor would like to be appreciated and praised. Don’t assume it is only you who needs appreciation from the supervisor all the time, return the favor too when the situation arises.
  • This is a tricky one. If someone is emulating your behavior, they are giving you a compliment, therefore appreciate their gesture.
  • People in the service industry often do a thankless job. These people would like to be appreciated as well. Make sure if they give you a good service that you acknowledge it in the appropriate manner.
  • Volunteers should be specially thanked for their time and effort. A lot get done by volunteers in various events and organization and their effort needs to be well appreciated.

How To Express Gratitude

Let’s look at different ways to express gratitude:

  • One can express gratitude subtly by returning a favor.
  • A more explicit way of expressing gratitude is to praise someone in public for what they did for you.
  • Giving someone a thoughtful gift or a greeting card is another way to thank them. Putting some thought into what they would like as a gift works wonders.
  • If someone has unconsciously been nice to you because of their very nature, don’t let that go unnoticed. Make sure to mention to them how much you appreciate their giving nature. More importantly, don’t abuse it by taking it for granted.
  • If your mentor spends a lot of time with you in coaching, one way to thank them is by being mindful of how much and what you ask them. Being aware of how much time you ask them to spend with you, you are being respectful and grateful.

Remember that people, who are constantly expressing gratitude to others, tend to be happier in life. And, it makes them someone worth following!

So how often do you take the time to express gratitude to those around you? How many times do you either neglect or forget? What can you do to make sure that you express the kind of gratitude that the people you lead need in their lives? I would love to hear your thoughts!

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Aditi Chopra
Aditi Chopra is an experienced leader in the software industry
She is a consultant, writer and a leader
Email | LinkedIn |  Web | Blog | Twitter | Book

Image Sources: principalspage.com

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On Leadership and Motherhood

Posted on May 13, 2012 by Aditi Chopra

Mom

We celebrate Mother’s Day every year to honor all mothers around the world. This day is also a celebration of the bond between a mother and her child.

It is symbolic of the unconditional love that mothers have for their children.

A Mother of A Leader

There is however, another very important role a mother plays in the life of her children.

This is of a role model and an exemplary leader.

Often times, you hear people saying “My mother is my role model.” When a child spends the initial crucial years of her life with her mother, she picks up life skills from her as well.

This makes the job of a mother even more important.

Setting Expectations

In my first couple of years of motherhood, I relied heavily on What to Expect series of books which are almost a bible for pregnancy and early years of motherhood. I relied on these books because I needed to learn how to physically take care of a child.

Physical aspect of bringing a child is important at that stage but it also made me think that putting a structure and thought into bringing up every aspect of a child is well worth it.

And if I want to be a good role model for my child and teach her life skills, I need to be fully equipped myself.

When I didn’t know how to talk the baby language, I purchased a book of rhymes and sang those rhymes to my daughter and saw her responding to them amazingly!

Be The Best Leader You Can Be

Every mother has her own style of bringing up children and I don’t preach that any one style is better than the other.

However, I do think there are certain aspects that a mother can keep in mind while bringing up kids such that she is not only providing love but also teaching life skills at the same time.

Lets take a look at some of these aspects:

  • Discipline is number one on my list. When a child sees discipline in her home day in and day out, it develops as a strand in her DNA.
  • I tend to think every house has their set of rules. These rules can be very different from rules of another household and mostly set by the mother of the house. This also relates into the discipline aspect, however it is important for the child to understand that each household can and does have different set of rules and they have to abide by them.
  • Open dialogue and friendly chat with your kids goes a long way. This may or may not be the norm in every culture but I tend to think when a child sees open dialogue from the beginning, they tend to be more open and honest about their feelings when they grow up as well.
  • This may sound like a no-brainer, but love and acceptance is extremely important for a child. A child can have a weakness and this is where a mother can play a strong role in not only accepting that weakness but at the same time ensuring that the two of them do something about overcoming that weakness. Only accepting the weakness is not enough. Where mother can really help is in overcoming it.

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Aditi Chopra is an experienced leader in the software industry
She is a consultant, writer and a leader
Email | LinkedIn |  Web | Blog | Twitter | Book

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Next-Gen Leadership: Developing Future Leaders

Posted on April 25, 2012 by Aditi Chopra

Young Doctor

My doctor recently brought up the topic of leadership in relation to providing guidance to her high school kid.

She was curious about developing leadership skills for kids during the crucial years of their school so that they can get selected to the best college.

After all,

“Good luck happens when preparedness meets opportunity,” so why can’t we prepare for good leadership?

To be sure, developing leadership skills at this early point in your child’s life can help ensure that they will have the opportunity to:

  • Utilize these skills in college
  • Further develop them in their careers
  • Have a better chance to be a very good, or even a great, leader in their chosen profession
So I shared my thoughts and experiences with the good doctor to give her perspective and to help her understnad how to think about this subject of leadership for young people.

Next Generation Leadership

I would like to share what I shared with my doctor and would love to hear everyone’s thoughts on the subject. When we look at a very simple definition of a leader, we often say something trite like this:

“A leader is simply someone who has followers.”

But I must disagree with this oversimplification of the definition of leadership. For instance, I certainly don’t consider having 1000 Facebook friends as a sign of leadership simply because of the large number of followers.

Sure, someone like this has a lot of “followers,” but this doesn’t necessarily make them a leader.

On the contrary; I would simply say that leadership has much more to do than the number of followers one has. And this “follower”  fallacy is the case for new leaders, seasoned leaders, and everyone in between.

“Leadership is influence. Nothing more, nothing less.” ~Dr. John C. Maxwell

Defining it Down

So how do we define leadership qualities in a high school kid?

  • Winning is good. But I always maintain that effort is the most important aspect and should not be neglected. In a competition, not every kid can win, but the effort of competing should be recognized.
  • Consistency is another leadership quality be it consistency in getting good grades, dance or music program.
  • Communication skills are crucial for leadership. It would be nearly impossible for a kid to excel in college interview without excellent communication skills.
  • Every leader has some unique quality that sets them apart from others. Kids need to figure this strength of theirs and be able to articulate these in their essays or interviews.
  • Kids also need to develop both respect for others and self-respect. Building self-esteem and self-respect is an absolute must, but it is not enough without the ability to respect others.

Acquiring Leadership Skills

Different ways in which kids can acquire leadership qualities are:

  • Participating in team sports. Team sports dynamics teach kids a lot about teamwork, dealing with different personalities and most importantly about winning and loosing.
  • Speaking opportunities for kids such as in speech and debate clubs or Toastmasters club is another way to develop leadership qualities. These clubs can provide skills like thinking on your feet as well as opportunities to learn from each other.
  • If a kid is involved in various activities outside of school, one thing they will have to learn for sure is time management. This is a very essential aspect of a successful leader. I see that many adults find it hard to manage their time and more importantly lack the ability to prioritize tasks that they have to work on.
    • Are they tackling the most important tasks first?
    • Are they saying no to activities that are not important in the big scheme of things?
    • Parents can definitely help kids develop this aspect by discussing their activities.
  • Volunteering for different causes is a great way to learn leadership skills.
  • Parents can also play a big role in developing leadership skills in their kids by empowering the kids in making their decisions. This improves their decision-making process.
  • Parents should encourage discussion around role models for kids. Ask them why they think of a certain person as role model, which qualities do they appreciate in them.
So, what are you doing to engage your own child(ren) in the conversation of leading others effectively? What are you doing to support an environment where discussions of leadership are encouraged and maintained? How are you impacting the lives of young people by being a role model for effective leadership? I would love to hear your thoughts!

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———————
Aditi Chopra is an experienced leader in the software industry
She is a consultant, writer and a leader
Email | LinkedIn |  Web | Blog | Twitter | Book

Image Sources: 4.bp.blogspot.com 

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Leaders: How to Choose a Mentor

Posted on April 2, 2012 by Aditi Chopra

Mentoring

Mentoring has been a hot topic of discussion amongst leaders. We all know the benefits of mentoring but we are often intrigued by the details.

But what questions should we ask in order to achieve the best outcomes?

Questions about Mentors

These are some of the questions that come to mind when we think about mentoring:

  • How should we go about choosing a mentor.
  • What qualities should we look for in a mentor?
  • Is having a mentor considered that you are still developing as a leader?
  • Or should you have a mentor at any or every stage of your career?
  • How long should a mentoring relationship be?
  • Should I be mentoring someone?

“An effective mentor can have a profound effect on your career.”

A Mentor at Every Stage

I personally feel that having a mentor at every stage of your life is a good thing. It is a sign that you are learning and learning should never stop. You may be at a stage in your career where you could be mentoring people and at the same time have a mentor yourself for whatever skill you aim to acquire.

Mentoring works most effectively when the mentor has a passion for it.

“Before you start looking for a mentor, decide which skill do you want to acquire. Otherwise you could be wasting two people’s time”

Doing Your Homework

Once you have done your homework on which skill you want to acquire, you can start looking for a mentor who has demonstrated proficiency in that field. Someone you have been observing from a distance and are very impressed with or whom you want to emulate.

Remember you don’t have to a be a fan of all their work, just a fan of the skill you want to acquire from them.

Lets take a look at what to look for in a mentor

  • You need to look for a mentor whom you can be comfortable with. This is the most critical piece for the relationship to work.
  • Look for a mentor who is non-judgmental.
  • Your mentor cannot be self-serving. This relationship needs to be about you and not them.
  • If all of the above is true, you can then open up with your mentor and share your strengths and weaknesses and start your mentoring cycle. If you are open with them, you will get the most out of the relationship.

Mentoring and Moving On

Remember there is also a limited lifespan for each mentor-protege relationship. Once you feel like you have achieved your objective, you can let go. Free them and let them mentor someone else in need.

At a later point of time, you may acquire another mentor seeking to acquire another skill.

Should you have more than one mentor at a certain point in your life? I would recommend not, because they may give you conflicting advice and that may slow down your progress.

Mentoring is quite effective and essential for leaders who are constantly sharpening their soft skills. Once you have an effective mentor, you will see that is has a great amount of effect on your development. The trigger has to come from you depending on which skill you seek.

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Aditi Chopra is an experienced leader in the software industry
She is a consultant, writer and a leader
LinkedIn |  Web | Blog | Twitter | Book

Image Sources: womeninbiz.sbresources.com 

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